Tales From the Hood (1995)

SYNOPSIS: From executive producer Spike Lee comes a hood of horrors where the only rule is chill or be chilled!
HIGHS: The shit. It be everywhere. Tiny Afro-American cannibal dolls who hunt white people. Sam likes the banana hammock.
LOWS: Poor man's Angela Bassett and an even poorer man's Malcolm Jamal Warner - but the REAL Corbin Bernson in a wig!
MEMORABLE LINES: Homie #1 "I ain't into this dead people shit." Sammy "Put a cork in that doll's ass!" Demented Corbin Bernson to little voodoo doll pinned to a dart board while he aims a shotgun at it "I'm gonna shoot off your little N-Word balls now!"

Sammy: 5/10
Johnny: 3/10
Sian: 8.5/10
Rob: 6/10

An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

SYNOPSIS: The five star (!) sequel to An American Werewolf in London, featuring three college dudes and werewolves that walk on two legs! Dude!
HIGHS: Doin' it on Jim Morrison's grave! Mesh wife-beater (he's too sexy for his wolf).
LOWS: Features a young Anthony Kedis look-a-like. Werewolf doesnt' look like a wolf. Dead Chick: Thanks for a lovely evening - Douche Bag!
NOTE: Kedis look-a-like escapes from church with a cross strapped to his back - in slow-mo!

Sammy: 1/10
Johnny: 1/10
Sian: .5/10
Rob: 2/10

The Changling (1980)

SYNOPSIS: A haunted house adventure complete with seances, nocturnal grave diggings, ghostly spirits and an ancient puzzle jealously guarded by a devious man... The Changeling delivers solid entertainment and a frightening good time.
HIGHS: Killer wheelchair on autopilot. Indoor wind machine.
LOWS: First, he parks the car. Next, he plays the piano... and has the nerve to record it. Creepy!
MEMORABLE LINES: Melvin "A furnace is like anything else Mr. Russell - it's got habits."
NOTE: The unofficial label of classic doesn't seem to stop a movie from sucking.

Sammy: 3/10
Johnny: 3/10
Sian: 2.5/10
Rob: 6/10

Bride of the Renimator (1990)

SYNOPSIS: 8 months after the Miskatonic Massacre, Dr. West & Cain's experiments have taken a bizarre turn. Now the legs of a hooker, the womb of a virgin are joined to the heart of Dr. Cain's dead girlfriend... and the bride is unleashed upon her mate in a climax of horror.
HIGHS: Not even ONE! Well, OK. The decapitated head with bat wings for ears was kinda funny.
LOWS: Lieutenant spins with and then pulls leg off live dog - too ridiculous.
MEMORABLE LINES: Dr. West (to severed head) "You used to have visions of grandeur. Now you're a no-body." Dr. Hill "Do as I say, you nincumpoop!" As his mouth gets stuffed with an apple. Dr. West "My God! They're using tools!" (about his myriad of spare-parts people he created)

Sammy: 1/10
Johnny: 1/10

Planet Terror (2007)

SYNOPSIS: An all-star cast fight for their lives in the ultimate showdown between flesh-eating mutants and a rag tag group of survivors.
HIGHS: The Bone Shack - best BBQ in Texas! Josh Brolin pops patients puss filled tongue - the sploosh drips from his 'stache. Nice.
LOWS: Spared no expense on the blood (although, is that not a high?) Tarantino's mutant dong. Tiny little baby bike for Freddy.
MEMORABLE LINES: Sayid from Lost: I also want your balls. Dude: But I've become very attached to them. Bruce Willis: Where's the shit? Sayid from Lost: It's everywhere. JT to Fergie: Now THAT'S some rump roast." One-legged Rose: I was going to be a stand-up comedian. Freddie: Some of the best jokes are about cripples. Tarantino: I've seen me some crazy ass shit before but I've never seen a one-legged stripper. And I've been to Morocco!

Sammy: 6/10
Johnny: 6/10
Sian: 6/10 (but she was drunk)

Open Water (2003)

SYNOPSIS: Abandoned in the middle of the ocean wile scuba diving, Susan & Daniel (his real name!) realize they are not alone and fight to stay alive... and afloat! Based on TRUE EVENTS!
HIGHS: Ghetto Ben Stiller forgets his mask. Guide: You can't go diving without your mask" Ghetto Ben: Thanks for that, Travis"
LOWS: Home video recording quality - so "Dead Meat" it's scary. No equal opportunity nudity - full boob shot but no dong - Sammy's sad :(
MEMORABLE LINES: Daniel "Damn, those fuckers stung!" Those jellyfish!
MORE HIGHS: Sharks are scary!
NOTES: This is what happens when you make a film with no "Honey Wagon". Combines indy credibility with commercial viability. (They said that!)

Sammy: 3/10
Johnny: 4/10
Sian: 5/10

Man with the Screaming Brain (2005)

SYNOPSIS: Somewhere in Bulgaria... cranial scars, a robot in a jumpsuit, gypsy thugs, catfights... c'mon - you know you want it.
HIGHS: Fist thumping robot chick. Sian likes it when she walks - high steps! And I know you are all wondering - there IS a person inside that robot suit! It's a man, hence the very slim hips. He does an amazing robot. It's all in the DVD extras, baby. Including how much of a nerd Bruce Campbell is.
LOWS: Bruce flushes himself in a dirty used toilet.
MEMORABLE LINES: Ygor to Thug: Now run fast or I shoot you in ass. Bruce to Maid: What's your hurry, mysterious woman? Jackie to Ygor: Everything is stronger in Europe. The cigarettes, the beer... the men.

Sammy: 2/10
Johnny: 3/10
Sian: 1.5/10

All Souls Day (2005)

SYNOPSIS: A zombie shocker where an unstoppable feast of human flesh has begun. Features the most horrific sacrifice of all (apparently).
HIGHS: Make out moment - we're almost dead but let's make out instead!
LOWS: Most of it.
MEMORABLE LINES: Sheriff: Now, which of you two young ladies is missing a tongue? Sheriff: Cat got your tongue? Nope. I got it! Sian: What kind of name is Joss? Sammy: A hot one!
NOTES: Features Dr. Herbert West of Re-Animator fame.

Sammy: 0/10
Johnny: 1/10
Sian: 5/10

Near Dark (1987)

SYNOPSIS: An ultra stylish, ultra violent and altogether brilliant vampire movie that thrives on blood and absolute horror that begins near dark.
HIGHS: Bill Paxton as the hitchhiking cowboy - Sammy likes! Dude gets knife in the mouth and pulls it out real slow.
LOWS: Music by Tangerine Dream - not so hot.
MEMORABLE LINES: Caleb: What the fuck is goin' on? Bill: It's not what's goin' on, it's what's comin' off - your face! Kid: My name's Homer. That's H-O-M-E-R. Mispronounce it and I wouldn't want to be you. Jessie (to waitress): Your skin's as soft as a preacher's belly.
NOTES: Features a young Bill Paxton - a sure sign of a quality film.

Sammy: 3/10
Johnny: 4/10
Sian: 5/10

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

SYNOPSIS: Wes Craven's cult classic about the Carter family whose car breaks down far from civilization right in inbred cannibal country. Who will become the most shocking savages of all?
HIGHS: More dudes with short shorts & matching jean jacket/pants combo than you can shake a stick at. Some ass kicking disco tunes.
LOWS: Grandpa on fire. Let's just put him out with the fire extinguisher.
MEMORABLE LINES: Bob: Dr. Springer can take his stethoscope and shove it into his little black bag – sideways! Cannibal with the 'fro: Baby's fat. You's fat. Fat juicy.

Sammy: 5/10
Johnny: 5/10
Sian: 7/10

Primeval (2007)

SYNOPSIS: Inspired by the "true" story of the most blood thirsty crocodile ever. Plus, he's 25 feet long, and named Gustave by the locals.
HIGHS: Both Sammy & Sian like the button-down look - hot!
LOWS: Prison break dude runs his hands through his bald hair. No shirtless scenes from anyone!
MEMORABLE LINES: Reporter: You just want to show the world who has the biggest Croc. (Pun intended!) Black Dude: You think Roger's tappin' that? He's got the tappin' apparatus. (Note, Sammy says "Tappin' Tackle".) Black Dude: If I have to shove you up my ass to get you through customs, you're coming to America.

Sammy: 2/10
Johnny: 4/10
Sian: 1.5/10

The Descent (2005)

SYNOPSIS: An extreme outdoor adventure where six women meet in a remote part of the Appalachians to explore a cave hidden deep in the woods - good idea! Of course they find unspeakable horror - quelle suprise!
HIGHS: Monster is scary - for a little bald man. Spike to the "ocular cavity". P.O.B. otherwise known as the Pit of Blood - because every cave comes with a POB.
LOWS: Who drives with "spears" attached to their roof? 1,000 cave monsters? I could believe a cave with like - eight - but 1,000 undiscovered monsters?!
MEMORABLE LINES: They're completely blind and hunt by sonar. Like bats. They have evolved perfectly.
BONUS HIGH: Caveman's eye pops - sploosh!

Sammy: 7/10
Johnny: 6/10
Sian: 8/10
Nick: 8/10

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

SYNOPSIS: Happy campers begin to die in a series of horrible accidents turning their summer of fun into a vacation to "dismember".
HIGHS: Holy intro music Batman! SO dramatic. Gay dude (which one?!) gets whacked while taking a "wicked dump".
LOWS: Hairy bellied half shirt - Sammy doesn't like.
MEMORABLE LINES: Look at all that young fresh chicken. (Perv!) Bill: Eat shit and die Ricky! Ricky: Eat shit and LIVE Bill!
NOTE: Way ahead of the crying game with the it's a girl, no it's a boy ending complete with full frontal nudity and Ronny's "How can it be?"

Sammy: 9/10
Johnny: 7/10
Sian: 9/10

Black Christmas (1974)

SYNOPSIS: Sorority house girls have their Christmas break disturbed by a crazed dude making creepy phone calls. Movie tagline "If this film doesn't make your skin crawl, it's on too tight!"
HIGHS: B is for Booze - so is the toilet! Sammy likes the eyeball in the door crack.
LOWS: A little slow at times. Maybe the greatest Canadian film ever? (That's not saying much!)
MEMORABLE LINES: Lieutenant: Sargent - you couldn't pick your nose without directions. later... Lieutenant: Sargent - do NOT tell her the call is coming from inside the house. If you fuck this up, I'm gonna kill you. Sargent (a few minutes later): Jess, the call is coming from inside the house!
NOTES: Featuring the original Lois Lane (Margot Kidder) and SCTVs Andrea Martin.

Sammy: 4/10
Johnny: 5/10
Sian: 6/10

Cemetary Man (1996)

SYNOPSIS: A brilliantly bloody black comedy that is a delightfully surreal stew of sex, death, splatter, male-bonding, barfing, zombies & the ultimate meaning of life. ALL with Rupert Everett.
HIGHS: Gnaghi barfs on Tina the Mayor's daughter. She takes it well though, and her head ends up in the TV. Mayor exclaiming: But how did you end up on TV darling?
LOWS: Murder spree in hospital. Shoots nun, doctor, nurse. Nun was praying, doctor was settling scores, nurse didn't believe him.
MEMORABLE LINES: Rupert: I haven't read more than two books in my entire life. And one I never finished.

Sammy: 2/10
Johnny: 2/10

The Vanishing (1988)

SYNOPSIS: Saskia disappears at a gas station prompting her boyfriend to embark on a three year search for her until one day the Psycho Killer agrees to meet Rex and tell him everything that happened to her.
HIGHS: Rex smashes window with single slam displaying his Hulk-like strength. Psycho tries to pick up chicks "Can you help me hitch my trailer? I can't seem to do it by myself." Except the trailer is tiny. Confesses Psycho: My method was not so successful.
LOWS: Discussing strange names - Killer & Rex. In the French phone book there is a Mr. Poof. Who knew?
MEMORABLE LINES: Girl: Papa, do you have a mistress? At your age you're allowed. Psycho Killer: So I jumped. Call it a "slight" abnormality in my personality. (Slight?!?)

Sammy: 6/10
Johnny: 7/10

Simon Says (2007)

SYNOPSIS: "Simon says: get ready for a bloody good time!" Typical college students decide to camp in the woods. They come across twins Simon & Stanley who obviously kill the group one member at at time. Lots of good "kills" in this one.
HIGHS: Crispin is scary hot! (According to Sammy). Stan squishes whole little dog with one step. Also laughs at his own jokes. His accent is great.
LOWS: Petrified dead 'rents - come on - SO cliche! Dudes shoot Stan with paint balls.
MEMORABLE LINES: Stanley: Would you like a hand sandwich? (said like haynd sayndwitch.) Stan hangs two chicks from a tree: You girls hang out for a while. Zack: I hit a dog! Jock: Was it a flying dog?
NOTE: Playing with "Mime Massacre" short film. Seen at the Toronto After Dark film fest. Psycho guy was kind of lame - a country hick. Good sound effects though.

Sammy: 7/10
Johnny: 5/10 (It's no High Tension!)

The Vampire Happening (1961)

SYNOPSIS: Stylish 60s vampire flick that showcases lots of flesh, special effects and gaudy vampire fun.
HIGHS: Tree spreads branches, just like a crotch! Sian likes hairy chest on Mr. Larson. Dracula does the bullhorn salute.
LOWS: Actress reads Dracula. Like she can read. Pfft!
MEMORABLE LINES: Old Dude: They aught to ship that Dyke back to Holland. Mr. Larson: Hang on Joseph - Betty's in danger - we'll ride like the wind! Dracula: Call me Christopher. (??) And I thought his first name was Count!
NOTE: May have featured more boobs than Murder Set Pieces.

Sammy: 3/10
Johnny: 3.5/10
Sian: 3/10

The Innocents (1961)

SYNOPSIS: "Eerie and spine-chilling with an evil theme. One of the most frightening films ever made." NOT!
HIGHS: Miles' "high-top" - a young Connan O'Brian.
LOWS: Most of it. Old chick frenching the 8-year old. I think we know who the REAL Mrs. Gross is...
MEMORABLE LINES: Mrs. Gross: Was he handsome miss? Miss: Yes, handsome, but obscene.
NOTE: Screenplay written by Truman Capote.

Sammy: 2/10
Johnny: 2/10
Sian: 3/10

The Host (2006)

SYNOPSIS: Contaminated river water gives birth to huge land/water catfish. Attacking people and storing live specimens for snacks later.
HIGHS: Giant catfish. Grief scene.
LOWS: Random plot-lines thrown in for good measure. Is that a Korean film thing?
MEMORABLE LINES: Guy: I don't know if it's a monster. Guy #2: I didn't bring my camera! Then crowd starts to feed the monster snacks. Guy #3: Dude, check that out. He's eating it!" Later on... Old Man: He lacked calories. That's why every once in a while he dozes off like a sick rooster.
NOTES: On DVD extras, you find the Director apologizing for almost everything. "I'm sorry! I apologize to all the crew members who had to go through extreme physical labour due to bicycle moving each day." etc.

Sammy: 5/10
Johnny: 5/10
Sian: 5/10

The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)

SYNOPSIS: Stylish 70s Drac tries to wipe out humanity with the Black Plague. Oh, SO 70s.
HIGHS: Slo-mo strangulation. Nice psychadelic disco-horror tunes, baby! RED DOSSIER. Inspector Murray - might he be Scottish?
LOWS: Wings! I hope that's not Murray! Sammy: That's SO Richard Ashcroft. Matching sheepskin vests for easy thug ID. Fake backhand - take THAT bitch! Van Helsing - tiny gun, Monopoly-sized! Must mean he's not insecure in his manhood. Dude gets shot: Must jump on car before death. So dramatic! Sheepskin thug reading the paper while waiting for Murray & Ginger. Good job of hiding!
MEMORABLE LINES: Murray: Run like hell! (to Ginger)

Sammy: 4/10
Johnny: 3/10
Sian: 4/10
Kathy: 3/10

Re-Animator (1985)

SYNOPSIS: "Herbert West has a very good head on his shoulders - and another one in the dish on his desk!"
HIGHS: Evil cat, back from the grave... and in the fridge! Severed head tries to give head - I'm shocked! Projectile intestines RULE! Death by Intestines! This movie truly has blood and guts.
LOWS: Headless body wears disguise with mannequin head; plastic ear falls off - oops! Guard with Boudoir mag needs a break!
MEMORABLE LINES: Dr. West: I have a plan... Severed head in dish: So do I!
NOTE: House of Re-Animator - January 2008 featuring the original cast with Bill Macy and Norm from Cheers. When a death in the white house occurs...

Sammy: 8/10
Johnny: 7/10

Room 6 (2006)

SYNOPSIS: "Some doors were never meant to be opened" says it all. Well, not really but I got nothin' for this one.
HIGHS: Bob with the ball scratch in his tighty whities - and a handshake. Sort of hot lesbian nurses drinking blood.
LOWS: Nice makeup. Why does she die at the end? Hmm. This is confusing.
MEMORABLE LINES: Nick: Forget Prince Charming - I'm the King of Charming. Cab Driver: When my wife breaks a sweat I've got to take her to the emergency room.

Sammy: 1/10
Johnny: 2/10
Sian: 4/10

Saw (2004)

SYNOPSIS: Sick killer teaches moral lessons to wayward souls using deep baritone and creepy puppet.
HIGHS: Danny Glover (the only real actor in the film - did he need the money?)
LOWS: The puppets weren't the only wooden actors.
MEMORABLE LINES: Adam: I don't care if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15-hooker gang bang!
NOTES: Features former Princess Bride star Carey Elwes (with a few extra lbs).

Sammy: 6.5/10
Johnny: 7/10

Dead & Breakfast (2004)

SYNOPSIS: Independent movie. "Where death is on the menu!" Neato illustration intro.
HIGHS: Red lipstick on chicks AND dudes.
LOWS: Comedian musician popping up everywhere.
MEMORABLE LINES: Lovecock - that's your hometown, isn't it Johnny? Don't let me catch you with your dick in my bush again. You don't want to dance with me, friend. Well aren't you as handy as a pocket on a shirt!

Sammy: 7/10
Johnny: 4/10
Sian: 7/10

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

SYNOPSIS: Zombies (!!!) are unleashed on the United States and the US government is responsible.
HIGHS: Daughter turns into zombie and snacks on mommy. Sammy's mum does zombie impression - instant classic!
LOWS: Black dude gets whacked at the end - not cool!
MEMORABLE LINES: Johnny: They're coming to get you Barbara...
NOTES: Zombies can be killed by a hard blow to the head that crushes the brain of the undead flesh eater. Good to know in case of emergency.

Sammy: 8/10
Johnny: 9/10
Sian: 8/10

Evil Dead 1 (1981)

SYNOPSIS: Five college students go to a cabin in the woods and release an ancient evil from the book of the dead. (Sound familiar?)
HIGHS: Possessed chick... funny stuff! A little bit scary. Basement is scary - don't go down there!
LOWS: Cheese, cheese, cheese!!
MEMORABLE LINES: Ash: The bridge... it's destroyed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NOTE: It's no Evil Dead the Musical, but it's good enough.

Sammy: 7/10
Johnny: 6/10

Dead Meat (2004)

SYNOPSIS: Mad cow disease infects the cattle of Ireland... and the cows get their revenge on the population turning them into zombies!
HIGHS: Ugly lady... mistaken for a zombie. It could happen to anyone. Unintelligable Irish dude with thick glasses.
LOWS: Shot on home video... not cool! Evil cow terrorizes people in dead car... obviously fake - what will they think of next?
MEMORABLE LINES: Get her... she's one of them! No she's not - she's my wife! Sorry, our mistake.

Sammy: 3/10
Johnny: 1/10
Sian: 3/10

High Tension (2003)

SYNOPSIS: Unrequited lesbian love turns to slaughter in the French countryside. Also features French dialogue dubbed into English. Revised: Lesbian kills everyone in a gorefest complete with chainsaw!
HIGHS: Hot chick with a barbed wire baseball bat. Bloody marvelous! (Pun intended) Revised: Bookshelf to the face. Crazy ass French urinals. Hamburger-faced baddie.
LOWS: Gorefest
NOTES: Voted the greatest Euro-horror film of all time

Sammy: 8/10
Johnny: 7/10
Sian: 8/10

The Nun (2005)

SYNOPSIS: A group of Catholic school girls kill a nun... who returns to haunt their children years later.
HIGHS: Evil nun.
LOWS: It's all good!
MEMORABLE LINES: That slut! Here comes that bitch! Obviously some things are lost in translation for this Spanish movie.

Sammy: 7/10
Johnny: 4/10
Sian: 5/10

Anatomy (2000)

SYNOPSIS: Anatomy... where the subject is you! German med students experiment on live subjects. Includes witty dialogue dubbed into English - always a winning combo.
HIGHS: Run Lola Run!
LOWS: Acting, plot. Not so scary.

Sammy: 3/10
Johnny: 2/10
Sian: 4/10

Murder Set Pieces (2004)

SYNOPSIS: Say cheese - to your worst nightmare! Crazed nazi descendent photographer kills ho's for no apparent reason.
HIGHS: Lots of boobs! Klaus is hot, hot hot! (According to Sammy.) The Candyman plays a cameo. He rules!
LOWS: Plot, acting. Railway flashbacks - WTF?
MEMORABLE LINES: Klaus: I am the bastard son of a god damned whore! Klaus: I am looking for a snuff film... very specific... the Nutbag? Candyman: What the fuck is wrong with you? Get the fuck outta my store!

Sammy: 6/10
Johnny: 2/10
Sian: 6/10

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

SYNOPSIS: Ash & Linda return to the cabin in the woods... and release an ancient evil from the book of the dead.
HIGHS: Ash's dead girlfriend does ballet. Chainsaw for a hand - groovy! Live severed head in a vice... so it won't bite.
MEMORABLE LINES: Ash: You bastards... give me back my hand! Ash: Everything is going to be OK. Ash's Reflection: You just killed your girlfriend and chopped her up with a chainsaw... everything is definitely NOT OK.

Sammy: 7/10
Johnny: 9/10
Sian: 6/10

Death Tunnel (2005)

SYNOPSIS: Five sexy babes have to spend five hours in a sanitorium where the "white plague" used to live... with the added bonus of five ghosts!
HIGHS: Hot babes! Ashley gets electrocuted... smoking!
LOWS: Everything? The hot babes seemed to put on more clothes as the movie went on - WTF?
MEMORABLE LINES: Ashley: You're the disease... and I'm the cure. And baby, you'll never see these (cups and shakes her boobs) again!

Sammy: 0/10
Johnny: 2/10
Sian: 0/10

Texas Chainsaw Masacre (1974)

SYNOPSIS: The true story of a day that five friends, especially Sally and her invalid brother Franklin, will never forget... even if they had lived long lives afterwards.
HIGHS: Grandpa!! Sally's white pants - sweet! Chainsaw (of course).
LOWS: Screaming is not dialogue.
MEMORABLE LINES: Franklin!! Sally!!
MEMORABLE MOMENT: Grandpa's the best - as he drops the hammer 1, 2, 3, 4 times!
NOTE: John Laroquette of Night Court spoke the opening crawl in his first Hollywood job.

Sammy: 5/10
Johnny: 7/10
Sian: 4/10

The Eye (2003)

SYNOPSIS: Blind for 18 years, 20-year old Mun receives a cornea transplant that gives her eyes that can see the future... and the future's deathly!
HIGHS: Dr. Lo!! Hot, hot hot! The music (according to Sammy).
LOWS: Plot - a little too much 6th sense. I see dead people.
MEMORABLE LINES: Are you Dr. Lo? If you mean Dr. C. T. Lo, then yes, he's my uncle.
NOTE: They U.S. remake rights have been bought by Tom Cruise. Who no doubt will be playing Dr. Lo - the younger Dr. Lo of course!

Sammy: 6/10
Johnny: 3/ 10
Sian: 6/10